Marriott Edgar ( )

The Return of Albert

Youve eard ow young Albert Ramsbottom,
In the Zoo up at Blackpool one year,
With a stick and orses ead andle,
Gave a lion a poke in the ear.

The name of the lion was Wallace,
The poke in the ear made im wild;
And before you could say Bobs your Uncle,
Ed up and ed swallered the child.

E were sorry the moment ed done it,
With children ed always been chums,
And besides, ed no teeth in is noodle,
And e couldnt chew Albert on tgums.

E could feel the lad moving inside im,
As e lay on is bed of dried ferns,
And it might ave been little lads birthday,
E wished im such appy returns.

But Albert kept kicking and fighting, 
Till Wallace arose feeling bad,
And felt it were time that e started to stage
A come-back for the lad.

So with is ead down in a corner,
On is front paws e started to walk,
And e coughed and e sneezed and e gargled,
Till Albert shot out like a cork.

Old Wallace felt better direcly,
And is figure once more became lean,
But the only difference with Albert
Was is face and is ands were quite clean.

Meanwhile Mister and Missus Ramsbottom
Ad gone ome to tea feeling blue;
Ma says I feel down in the mouth like,
Pa says Aye! I bet Albert does too.

Said Ma It just goes for to show yer
That the future is never revealed,
If I thought we was going to lose im
Id ave not ad is boots soled and eeled.

Lets look on the bright side, said Father
What cant be elped must be endured,
Every cloud as a silvery lining,
And we did ave young Albert insured.

A knock at the door came that moment,
As Father these kind words did speak,
Twas the man from tPrudential,
Ed called for their tuppence per person per week.

When Father saw who ad been knocking,
E laughed and e kept laughing so,
That the young man said Whats there to laugh at?
Pa said Youll laugh an all when you know.

Excuse im for laughing, said Mother,
But really things appen so strange,
Our Alberts been ate by a lion,
Youve got to pay us for a change.

Said the young feller from the Prudential,
Now, come come, lets understand this,
You dont mean to say that youve lost im?
Ma says Oh, no! we know where e is.

When the young man ad eard all the details,
A bag from is pocket he drew,
And he paid them with interest and bonus,
The sum of nine pounds four and two.

Pa ad scarce got is and on the money,
When a face at the window they see,
And Mother says Eeh! look, its Albert,
And Father says Aye, it would be.

Young Albert came in all excited,
and started is story to give,
And Pa says Ill never trust lions again,
Not as long as I live.

The young feller from the Prudential
To pick up his money began,
And Father says Eeh! just a moment,
Dont be in a hurry, young man.

Then giving young Albert a shilling,
He said Pop off back to the Zoo.
Eres your stick with the orses ead andle,
Go and see what the Tigers can do!

Marriott Edgar's other poems:
  1. Alberts Return
  2. Henry the Seventh
  3. Albert and the Eadsman
  4. Queen Matilda
  5. Richard Coeur-de-Lion

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